Hello my name is Amy

Thank you for recognition of me as a “super mom” of the month. In fact, I feel humbled by this title as I am not quite a mother in the “true” sense of the word.

I found out I was pregnant a year ago this month. My relationship was new and my pregnancy was an unexpected surprise. Initially, I contemplated the decision to keep my baby based on the fact that the father and I were new to our relationship and I feared the potential strain of such a major decision so soon in our relationship. Yet, at age 33, with an established profession as a teacher, I was joyous and anticipated beginning a family, a goal I had eventually envisioned anyway. With the mutual assurance of my boyfriend’s love and support, I decided to keep my baby.

Unfortunately, as months progressed, the relationship turned emotionally abusive and I was forced to re-evaluate my choice, based on what was best for my baby and me. I was left with the reality of raising a child alone as a single mother without the financial or emotional support of my baby’s father, who walked away from me and left me to “figure it out.” My family, though extremely supportive, is not local and financially, I was not in a position to be a stay at home mother and quit my job. Daycare costs proved to be astronomical on a single teacher’s salary, yet my salary made me ineligible for financial assistance from the state.

I felt desperate and absolutely devastated by my situation. Apart from my family and a couple of friends, I was pregnant and alone, forced to make the hardest decision of my life. Humiliated, I couldn’t even tell people at work and painfully, I smiled everyday when everyone asked about “the baby.” With the help and support of my therapist and an amazing ob-gyn at Newton Wellesley Hospital, I was referred to the Jewish Family Services in Waltham, through which Adoption Resources is located. At age 33, with the dream of having a family, the option of placing my baby for adoption was becoming a painful reality. Struggling to make a decision, it took several months of meeting with an adoption counselor and reading through profiles of childless couples before choosing a couple of my choice.

Karen and Paul’s personal story truly touched me and reading through their profile convinced me they were the parents I would want for my child. If I couldn’t parent him myself, they shared my interests and values and could certainly provide him an aspect of what I would have wanted to give him, had my circumstances been different. However, it wasn’t until meeting them, the month of my son’s birth, when I finally accepted this option, and became reassured in my decision. They were wonderfully kind, loving, and revealed an invested commitment to each other and their future child. As Karen and I expressed to each other, our relationship became a “partnership” to my son… I could provide the child they sadly couldn’t produce on their own, and they could provide the emotional and financial stability I could not provide as a single mother. From that moment on, we have continued to rejoice in my son’s birth. They named him Max.

Unfortunately, I had a C-section, which prolonged my stay in the hospital and made leaving Max that much harder. However, it provided the opportunity to further bond with Karen and Paul, who were there everyday to offer love and support to me and most of all, Max. We have continued an open adoption through which I receive letters and photos of his progress. He is thriving in his new home and Karen and Paul and their family and friends couldn’t be happier with their new arrival. In fact, almost five months after his birth, we reunited with my family in CT. I am grateful for their invitation to allow me to be a part of Max’s life to the extent that is comfortable for all of us. Certainly, I hope Max will one day understand my decision, and know that my connection with him will never die.

Clearly, my situation reveals the joy adoption can bring for both birth parent(s) and adoptive parents. I believe there’s a stereotype that exists of the average adoptive mother, as portrayed especially by the media–a young teenager, perhaps unemployed, uneducated, etc. My situation proves that is not true. Even older, professional women confront the challenges of raising a child alone as a single mother. As mothers, whether biological or adoptive, we have responsibilities to our children, the first of which is providing love. When I made this decision for Max, regardless of what other people may have said or thought, I based it on love. Conversely, though Karen may not be his biological mother, she also provides love and the other needs he requires as he continues to grow. I can only hope my story provides hope and inspiration to any other woman faced with my situation. Additionally, I hope women and couples who are struggling to conceive realize the joy adoption can bring and the fulfillment a baby can bring to your life, regardless of whether or not he or she is biologically yours. A family is based on many factors… biology alone does not determine that.

Women of all ages should realize they are never powerless in making a decision that affects themselves and/or their child. There are many options available and despite some misconceptions, adoption is an act of love and certainly, a responsible choice if the resources for raising a child alone are not available. Additionally, given the rise in open adoptions, birth parent(s), have the opportunity to remain a part of their child’s life. For me, that has definitely helped make the loss less painful.

My decision was certainly not an easy one and I continue to experience a feeling of great loss, not only from the loss of my child, but the other close people in my life who walked away. I can only hope the universe had a “reason” for this and perhaps one day I will find out. At this time, I can only assume the reason for my loss was the birth of a wonderful, healthy child and the creation of a family for a wonderful, loving, and deserving couple. In the meantime, I am finding time to focus on me, pursuing my interests in travel, reading, and what brought me together with Taylor, yoga. Yoga is probably the most healing practice and I have really come to appreciate it even more as a result of this experience.